I was at work and thinking about blog topics. And I actually came up with a few, but I didn’t write them down, and I actually forgot what they were. I’m pretty sure they will come back to me. I need to learn to write things down and put it somewhere that I really remember.

My day started out pretty decent. On my way in to work, I heard one of my favorite 80’s songs…”Jessie’s Girl”. I thought that by hearing that at 2:30am, it was guaranteed to be a good day. Then I got this admit from hell. The patient was great and the family was great. The problem was, I knew this family. Like, I really knew this family. This patient of mine was a relative of someone I knew in high school. That being said, I did inform my supervisor that I knew her. But since she and the family were ok with it, I guess it didn’t pose a problem.

The problem was all mine. I started to think about high school. And people. The ones that I liked, and the ones that were actually my friends. Cause there’s a difference beween the two. A lot of my issues and hangups to this day stem from those brutal high school years. I was never the popular girl and I was ok with that. I didn’t want to be. I liked that I had a brain and that I wasn’t afraid to use it. My problem was how I was treated. I don’t understand how and why people can be so mean to someone that they don’t even know. I also floors me how that meaness can affect your self-esteem for a long time.

I had a handful of close friends back then. Most of them were boys. Just for the fact that I didn’t have to deal with the bullshit cattiness that went along with being friends with girls. Today, I have 2 relly close friends and a handful of people that I call friends, but they are more like acquaintances. I’ve learned to treasure the comfort they bring me. When I talk to Jenny, my best friend from nursing school, we hold nothing back. We suffered through exams together and have shared rolls of toilet paper while test anxiety has flown through us. The other friend is Jamie. She is my son’s godmother, however we really don’t have anything in common anymore. We share a few texts a day and thats about it. She also provides daycare for Seth.

I’ve made more friends online this past year, then I have had in real life. I’m not really sure what that says about me. I think its made me open up to people that I might never have gotten to know. I am actually fairly quiet and stand in the corner. I’ve been told that I come across snobby and I am far from that. So to my online friends, thank you for being there for me this year. it has meant a lot and it has gotten me through some rough patches. To those that I am just starting to get to know, welcome to my world. I hope you are willing to stick around. I’m worth it, and once I really get to know you, I am fiercely loyal.

I leave you with this…..last nigh Seth took his pants off and peed on the dog, in Taylor’s room. I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time!

Today has been a better day. Nothing has changed, the chaos all remains. I must have a better attitude. Guess there’s a first time for everything! I’m in the process of looking at Chicago area hotels. We are taking the kids and heading to Shedd Aquarium and we’re going to meet up with Sheila (Charm School Reject)…sidenote, I still haven’t figured out linking.. and have a great time with our men and kids. Did you know that Chicago is expensive? Furthermore, did you realize that the places I really want to stay at are all on Michigan Ave and cost a minimum of $259 per night!! Did you just figure out that I won’t be staying at one of those places? And yes, I will be somewhat pouty about that.

I have decided that I really want to start telling my patients that I am a nurse, not a maid. I am here to save thier ass, and not to kiss it. And this is a hospital, not a hotel!! Only problem with doing this, I will no longer have a job. I really hate when I think things through. I just keep telling myself, only 2 more days. 24 more hours of work…I can do it. Then, the weekend will be mine to do absolutely nothing!! Except clean, hang out with the kids, clean some more, do yardwork (which I hate), and clean again.

I have also decided that when I work 6 12 hour shifts in a row, I get really bitchy. Like so bad, I can’t even stand to be around myself! For instance….I got home from work the other day and passed out on the couch. Travis was being helpful and went to the store and got chicken and hamburgers to grill out for supper. When I woke up and he told me this, I went ballistic. Something to the effect of…why would go get supper without asking me what I wanted, cause I sure as hell didn’t want what he bought. And on and on my tirade went. He then offered to go get fast food for me. Seth picked Burger King. Whatever…I’ll have the chicken. The one I always get. He comes back home, with the wrong chicken. To which I fly into another rage about how he doesn’t know me, how could we be married for 9 years and him not know which chicken sandwich I liked. So I ate the one he got and I actually liked it way better than my usual. But do you think I would give him the satisfaction of knowing that? Nope, not at all. But I did apologize 2 days later and told him. Good thing he loves me. I am not pleasant when I am sleep deprived! Speaking off, I have to be at work at 3am, so off to bed I go!

This is just a few random things that irritate the crap out of me!!

1. Not replacing the roll of toilet paper! Especially when a replacement roll is on top of the sink, ready to spring into action!

2. Placing paper on top of the shredder. Do you really think its going to shred itself? Now on top of shredding my own stuff, I have to shred yours.

3. People who walk right smack dab in the middle of the sidewalk, or parking lot, then shoot you the evil eye when you try to navigate around them.

4. Seeing that the garbage can is full and needs to be emptied, but adding “one more thing”.

5. Having a fully functional, working dishwasher that is empty, and having a sinkful of dirty dishes. Apparently you need a PhD to put dishes in the dishwasher in my house.

Yes, I am having a bad day! Tomorrow will be better. It has to be better!

I had my 1 year review for work on Friday. About a month ago I found out who the staff was that filled out my peer review section. And I have been sweating bullets ever since. The 3 that did it are senior nursing staff. Ones that have been nurses for longer than I have been alive. However, my review was painless. They all gave me “exceeds expectations” and excellent comments. I was so shocked I almost fell off the chair in my supervisor’s office. And at the end we were talking about things that are, lacking, on my unit. We are in the midst of a huge change, our floor is getting divided into 2, and that other half is being remodeled, and out side is getting a new manager, and new supervisor, and a new educator. Because of all this change, morale is BAD on my side. As I was explaining all this, my supervisor told me that in about a year, new clinical lead positions would be opening up (that’s a fancy name for a charge nurse) and that my name has been brought up more than once as someone who has potential to fill that role! ME! A new nurse! I was floored. I am hoping that she isn’t just saying that. That would be mean and not nice. I’m also getting pulled from the floor for 3 days in early August to attend a meeting on clarifying the clinical lead role, the higher-ups want a floor RN’s input on how the leads help/don’t help and etc. I’m pretty excited to be involved in this event!

I’ve decided what I am going to spend my extra hour money on. Granted, I don’t see alot of it in my checks, thanks Mr. Tax Man, but I see a bit. Its going to buy me a Blackberry, a Coach purse (I LOVE these) and a power wheels for Seth!

The houses on both sides of us have small kids who have pow pow power wheels and Seth just watches them. These kids also use our driveway and sidewalk as a race track and a group meeting point! I like my neighbors, but I wish the little girls were a bit nicer to my baby boy. The old owners of my house had 4 kids, and I guess this house and driveway was neighborhood central. And apparently it still is I’m trying to get used to this. Travis just laughs at me when I get mad at all the kids in our driveway! I am slowly working my way into the good graces of my neighbors. When the women are outside talking, they wave me over and include me in the going-ons of the neighborhood. It makes me laugh and be thankful that I have a normal life and am not “plastic”. That being said, I do love that they include me. Otherwise my imagination would go into overdrive and I would be convinced that they were talking about me!

My mom left for Maine today. As much as she bugged me while she was here, I really do miss her already. She made the comment to me as I was dropping her off at the airport that she wished we had more time to talk. I wished for that, too. Except every time I would try to talk to her, she would end up making a remark about how I’m not a good parent, or I should be grateful. After awhile, I gave up and just made mindless chit-chat. The funny thing is, my mom is such a huge advocate for comig to terms with anxiety and depression. But when I came to accept mine, I am some how at fault. She told me that I should send Seth to daycare 5 days a week, whether I’m working or not. When I asked why, she said that I needed “a break”. I’m not an idiot, I can read between the lines. Hearing her say that about me really hurts. Knowing that she thinks it was always bad enough, but to hear it is all together different. But, now she is gone, I have my house back to myself, and I feel absolutely miserable.

I think I have decided to go ahead and start working on my BSN this fall. My manager sent me an email from a local university that says they still have openings for the RN to BSN classes. Work will reimburse up to $1500 per semester, but I have to pay up front, pass the class and then they will cut me a check. I’m pretty excited about the thought of going back to school and getting my Bachelor’s. I will be the first child to have that and I have this need to prove to my siblings (the ones I that forget I exist) that I am capable of doing something that they never did. I know its petty, but it makes me feel a little less resentful.

Maybe I’m just crabby because of all the extra hours I’m putting in at work. I see the difference in my checks, but for some reason, we’re unable to save anything. Its all going towards bills. It makes me wonder what would happen if I wasn’t working all the extra hours, but I really don’t want to think about that!! As far as the crabbiness goes, I really need to get this stick out of my arse!

Taylor and I have been playing around with the new camcorder thingy that we got. Its pretty cute. Neither one of us would play SingStar with my mom here. So now we have to pick a song and post it. A certain someone issued me a triple dog dare and I will not walk away from that

This is my ewww for the day! One of my patient’s husband asked me if he could speak to me in the hall. I thought he was going to tell me that she was in more pain than she let on or something to that nature. No. I was so wrong. He proceeds to tell me that I have the cutest, perkiest butt that he has ever seen! I was floored. I had no idea what to say. So, I just made some excuse and left the room, and avoided eye contact. As I was walking away, he says in this songsong voice ” there it goes”. Then later in the afternoon, he comes walking down the hall to the nurses’s station saying “pb”. I think he’s trying to tell me that his wife wants peanut butter toast. No. I was wrong again. “PB” stands for perky butt and that is what called me most of the afternoon. it got so bad, that another nurse went into his room and told him how disrespectful he was being. he apologized, but I know he didn’t mean it. This guy is as old as my dad and his wife is lying sick right next to him!!! Ewwww….

Mom’s visit has been going smoothly, for the most part. There have been a few lectures from her on a few different topics. I am sick of hearing it. She only sees Seth and Taylor once or twice a year now, and she doesn’t approve if I discipline them. Now, I don’t spank, I threaten it, but I don’t follow through. I tend to holler at them and take something away, like the cell phone for Tay, or a construction toy for Seth. I am now the receiver of “how to effectively parent” talks from my mother. Which is funny, because I know how she raised me. She’s also been telling me that I have no reason to be so anxious or high-strung, and that I certainly have nothing to be depressed about. In fact, according to her, I have the perfect life, and a lot of other people would be jealous. I really don’t know how to respond to that. So, I took a friend’s advice and just agreed with her to avoid more arguing. That was all during the first couple of days. I hope its all out of her system now…

Today we went flower shopping. Or as I like to call it, she took me out to torture me. I thought it would be much easier with her along. But no. She kept asking me all these questions and I kept saying “I don’t know” over and over again. I have decided that I don’t want any flower that I have to pull up at the first frost and repot in the spring, because that is too much work. I did get this one flower/plant thing whose name sounds like it belongs in a Harry Poter book. I couldn’t tell you what its called, but it does have cool sounding name.

We still haven’t gotten the camera back yet. And I know the camera shop said it could take up to 3 weeks. But I really want it. I hardly ever use it, but since I don’t have it available, I find myself thinking that I want to take pictures of everything I see We bought a cute little camcorder this weekend that I can just plug into the computer and upoad directly to YouTube. So I’m excited to start playing with it. I owe Dustin a video of me on SingStar!

Well, Seth is in the middle of a huge tantrum, so I must referee the children before one is seriously hurt.

There has been a few posts recently on some of the blogs that I read about keeping blogs a secret. If I had any idea how to properly link to those posts I would do it. So, sorry ladies that I suck at computer stuff! The posts were referring to whether people in your “real” life know that you blog and if they read it. In my life, Travis knows that I have a blog, but to my knowledge he doesn’t read it. There are some things I would like hin to read, but there are other posts that I don’t want him to read. He understands that this is my outlet and that it does me tons of good to write out my thoughts and to have a solid sounding board. I have made some good friendships because of this blog and from others that I read. These are friendships that I take seriously and I look forward to making them even stronger.

I can’t wait to meet a fellow blogger at the aquarium. And then there is Vegas 2009 to look forward to! I think that blogging has opened up a whole new world to me. Its exposed me to people that I would never have gotten the chance to know in real life. I’m exchanging emails with people and getting to know about their lives and personal struggles.

Taylor knows that I blog and that I talk about her. Other people in my life don’t really know. Every once in awhile I will make a passing comment that “this or that” would make an interesting blog post. But if they don’t ask questions, I don’t offer up information. I do have an out-of-state friend who keeps up with whats going on with me by reading this. And I’m ok with that. My mood is what dictates what I write about. Some things I just wouldn’t want my family to read.

On that note, I am a Facebook junkie. Most of my friends are from work so we can keep up with each other. But a few of my friends are blogging friends. I love being able to send bumper stickers with goofy sayings back and forth and being able to post comments. Its right up there with text messaging Nothing can ever replace my love of texting!!

YAY!! My mom is here. And even more amazing is that fact that her plane got in early. A half hour early. I had no idea that was possible! Why is it every flight I’m on is 2 hours late? After she landed we went out to lunch. To one of my favorite places, the Atlanta Bread Company. How can you go wrong with eating at a place that celebrates carbs by actually having “bread” in their name?!?! Seth loves their 5 dollar pb&j sandwiches, I guess mine just aren’t good enough However, mine are made with love, so they are priceless!

We’re getting ready to go grocery shopping seeing as how I have no food in the house. Well, I have some, but no one really wants to eat it. So we must go and get edible food. And thread, so my mom can fix the couch cushion that Killian and Luna have decided to chew on.

My friend from work, Emily, took me out yesterday and we got our eyebrows waxed. Holy crap, that hurt!! We had a patient who is a real smart-ass. We were giving him crap about growing out his beard and he said he wanted it to compare to our moustaches. Which, for the record, neither Emily or I have facial hair! This patient is a trauma victim and 24. So, we were having fun. Emily is 23 and took that comment to heart, even thought he apologized up and down about 30 different times! Now I have very pretty shaped eyebrows that I have to maintain. Because I’m not so sure I really want to have them waxed again. That pain got me thinking how some women can actually stand to have their…well…you know…waxed?!?!

Well, I’m off to the store! My mom has a digital camera, so I’ll see of Travis can figure out a way to upoad them so I can share her visit

I don’t really have too much going on today. Its kinda nice having a little boredom once in awhile. Let’s see….what’s new?

My dad moves out of his house tomorrow and that makes me more sad than I had anticipated. Mom gets here on Friday and I am so excited! The hospital that I work at is located on a river. And for the past 2 weeks we have 6 gigantic pelicans perched on top of the dam. They are beautiful to watch as the fly and quite amusing as they duck under water to catch fish. I never realized how huge their mouths can open when full of fish, and how majestic they are as they soar through the sky. The wingspread is just breathtaking. Also, there has been major storming and flooding, so the river banks have been overflowing into the hospital parking lot. But its ok…all the water goes into the surgeon’s parking lot! Its funny (well, not really) to see all the expensive cars with water all around!

Luna broke the LCD display on our digital camera. So we sent it in to Nikon to get it repaired last week. This sucks, now I have no decent camera to take pictures when my mom gets here. Guess I may have to try to find my old film camera. I have NO idea where that thing may be! That dog has horrible timing for ruining things.

Oh, last night Seth crawled up in my lap and wanted to snuggle. He put his nose up against mine and said “Mama and Seth will be best friends always”. I have been so emotional these past few days that I just started to cry. That was something that I really needed to hear.